University Officials have sought to explain this morning‘s emergency alert, which declared that
“a potential threat to safety exists on the Danforth Campus,” by reminding students that nobody is safe, anywhere.
“Think about it,” said Safety and Security Committee member Steve Hoffner. “I can go buy a machine gun. That weird guy on your floor can go buy machine gun. Pretty much anybody can go buy a machine gun. North Korea is testing nuclear missiles, Iran is trying to get nuclear missiles, and Pakistan, the country that harbored freakin‘ Bin Laden within its borders, has fully functioning nuclear missiles. For fuck’s sake, we don‘t even know what happened to the Soviet stockpiles. And now, our own government has automated killing machines roaming around in the sky, each of which has the capability to turn your bedroom into a crater while you’re sound asleep.”
“Sure, you can try to run away from it all,” continued the man devoid of all hope. “Go to a nice, secluded lake where all the brain-eating amoebas dwell. After invading through your nasal mucosa, they eat away at your brain tissue. First, you hallucinate shapes and smells, then confusion and psychosis sets in. Within two weeks you‘re dead,” he explained.
“The planet’s getting hotter, people are going to start killing each other for water soon, and it‘s only a matter of time before hurricanes start hitting the midwest,” added Police Chief Don Strom.
He continued: “Oh, and to top it off, CERN researchers just announced that the entire universe is going to destroy itself someday.”
Despite growing cause for concern, the administration would like to assure students that there is no immediate danger, but only in the sense that there is no more than the continuous, terrifying threat that looms over all of us each and every day of our lives.