Applebees Scouts prepare for their annual pilgrimage to Applebees.
Applebees Scouts prepare for their annual pilgrimage to Applebees.

Boy Scouts Expanding Into New, Weirdly Niche Groups

The Boy Scouts of America recently announced their decision to accept girls, raising concerns over the future of partner organization Girl Scouts of America.

“In response to changing definitions of gender identities, we think it would be best to focus on the interests of our creative, socially lethargic young scouts,” announced President Scott Tannenbaum.

Standout groups in the new organization include the Venture Capitalist Scouts, the 17th Century Baroque Music Scouts, the Soup Scouts, and the Heroin Scouts, each of which have garnered a surprising level of membership. Some Scout groups seem to be borrowing heavily from their gendered predecessors; according to sources, there is a large amount of interest in the Girl Scouts Who Fucking Hate Thin Mints Scouts. While what exactly their programming will entail is still uncertain, their stance on the bestselling cookies seems clear.

Parents across the nation are ecstatic about the plethora of options their children will now be offered, regardless of gender.

“My daughter’s always been a bit of a tomboy, so it’s great she can get involved in hiking without having to join the ‘Boy’ Scouts,” Midwestern mom Jean Silver said. “My son’s also, like, weirdly into Applebees. So Applebees Scouts really makes him happy.”

However, not all groups have had equal success with membership levels. As of now, the smallest scout group is the Jeb! Scouts, which currently comprises two members: Jeb Bush and Laura Collins, a very confused 9-year-old girl who fucked up during registration.