Volume 9

To prepare for his second semester as a painting major, junior Silas Maddox felt he needed to “take the pressure off” and simply enjoy what he loves to do. The painting studios at Wash U often produce high-strung students who get so caught up attempting to master the conceptual form ...

In an unprecedented turn of events, the Washington University Career Center announced that it has finally helped a graduating senior land a job. The announcement came in the form of a 3:00 am Record email, in which Career Center Director Mark Smith was quoted saying, “We’re pleased to announce that ...

In light of high unemployment, a tax system in disarray, and widespread financial instability, senior Jake Jacobs has come out of the closet to profess his allegiance to the GOP. “I’ve always felt a little different from my peers,” Jacobs admitted. “I remember when I was ten years old watching ...

Faced by what he is calling “the most unfortunate display of options since the NBA Finals,” area bigot Jefferson Hezekiah admits that he is struggling to choose between presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. “The decision was so much easier during the last election,” Hezekiah explained. “Sure, it was ...

In response to a series of complaints from parents, college students, and reformed pedophiles, Facebook announced last Thursday that it would be rolling out a new “You’re Being Creepy as Fuck” notification system. The new feature will display a warning message to alert users when the photos they are stalking ...