Issue 16.9

CDC Officials Tell People to Panic, Absolutely Panic

WASHINGTON D.C. — At an unplanned press conference on Friday, CDC Director Robert Redfield informed Americans that right now the most constructive thing to do in response to the Coronavirus is panic, absolutely panic. Sweating and panting uncontrollably, the visibly frightened CDC Director told Americans to just “freak the fuck ...

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Commencement Postponed Until Afterlife

ST. LOUIS—In a recent address to the Class of 2020, Chancellor Martin somberly announced that Washington University has made the difficult decision to postpone commencement until the afterlife. “It is with a heavy heart that I share with you that due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a graduation ceremony will not ...

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