Commencement Postponed Until Afterlife

ST. LOUIS—In a recent address to the Class of 2020, Chancellor Martin somberly announced that Washington University has made the difficult decision to postpone commencement until the afterlife. “It is with a heavy heart that I share with you that due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a graduation ceremony will not be held until we have all shed this mortal coil,” shared Chancellor Martin in an official video. “Your class will be making the History books for yet another extremely disappointing reason: celebrating your graduation when you’re dead in the cold, cold ground.”

Chancellor Martin wisely reminded the Class of 2020 that they would still technically graduate in May with many distinctions and accomplishments of which they should be very proud; it is simply the culmination of all their hard work that has been rescheduled to the end of their lifespans. “At the end of the day, Commencement is all pomp and circumstance,” the Chancellor remarked in an attempt to placate students. “It is only the adulation of your peers and the ever-fleeting love of your father that we have put off indefinitely.” 

“The health and safety of our community remains our top priority,” explained the Chancellor, bearing an expression we can only describe as diplomatic pity. “Please be patient, and know that we have a fantastic celebration planned for you in the depths of the Judeo-Christian conception of the afterlife, where you can party with your loved ones and the eternally blessed/damned.”

As a final note of reassurance, the Chancellor reminded his audience that every graduating class before and after 2020 has and will have a proper commencement while alive and sentient. “You are all just in the absolute worst, most heartbreaking, categorically terrible graduating class of all time. And that’s what makes you heroes.”