Besmirching the sacred covenant of the bro code, wussy-ass TSA Officer Richard Thurmond refused to drop to one knee and chug when presented with a Smirnoff Ice at Lambert Airport on Monday morning. The Ice, which Officer Thurmond discovered during a routine body cavity search, was hidden deep within the rectum of American…

The U.S. Department of Etymology released its list of most popular baby names of 2015, with several surprise entries making the rankings. According to the report, the most popular baby name of last year was “Who Did This 😂🙌💯,” which narrowly beat out “DickButt_420” and “Emily” for the top spot. This result was…

According to sources within the Habif Health & Wellness Center, an SHS doctor’s medical degree was recently found to have been a false-positive. Apparently, Dr. Sonia Wellston’s doctorate was not in medicine, and her being hired was due to an administrator misreading of her resume due to extreme fatigue, nausea, and vomiting that…

The month-long trial of suspected arsonist Gregory Mendez reached its conclusion when a jury of 12 sorority girls found him “not necessarily guilty, but definitely someone [they] couldn’t see doing well in the outside world.” Mendez was convicted of burning down his wife’s house after a messy divorce, a motivation which troubled many…