WUnderground WashU's Premier (and only) satirical newspaper!
The month-long trial of suspected arsonist Gregory Mendez reached its conclusion when a jury of 12 sorority girls found him “not necessarily guilty, but definitely someone [they] couldn’t see doing well in the outside world.” Mendez was convicted of burning down his wife’s house after a messy divorce, a motivation which troubled many in the jury.
“He kept going on about ‘seeing that bitch pay for what she did,’” said Juror 7, a junior in Kappa Delta. “We love to see people who feel strongly about certain issues, but in KD our philanthropic efforts are really focused on other things.”
Juror 4, sophomore in Alpha Phi, stressed that the group’s decision did not necessarily mean that Mendez was a bad person.
“The system can really suck sometimes,” she said. “I’m sure [Mendez] has many great qualities that aren’t arson-related, but when that’s all we get to hear about it’s how we have to make our decision.”
All jurors were adamant that even though it wasn’t his first choice, Mendez would likely come to appreciate and enjoy his new community in prison.
“One of the girls on my freshman floor, [convicted drug runner] Abigail White, got a bid to prison a couple of years ago,” said Juror 11, a senior in Delta Gamma. “She was pretty bummed at first, but now she’s got a ton of new friends now and has really come into her own!”
Mendez couldn’t be reached for comment, but reports say he was last seen carving “GDI” into his forehead with a shiv, and is suspected of posting multiple angry rants to his cell-block’s Yik Yak feed.
