1.) She has a cellphone. 2.) She answers emails from her private email server 3.) She holds the door open for unsuspecting strangers 3b). She stayed back to talk to the professor office hours 4.) She knows how to give suspiciously good back rubs, as if she's been practicing with THAT NO GOOD…

Well it’s that time of year again: porno awards season! Hollywood is abuzz with buzz, and critics are slurping up films like particularly delicious semen. Female pornstars are dressing up real nice, and male pornstars are showing off their finest designer assless chaps. Redheaded pornstars finally get to walk down a carpet that…

       ST LOUIS- Reports of strange activity linked to members of Beary Stiff, the campus taxidermy club, were met with further investigation after maintenance staff stumbled upon a preserved student corpse on Friday afternoon. Sources say that freshman student Josh Tambor was found mummified in a 2nd floor Olin study room, nursing a crusted…

  Last weekend, upon accepting a bid to Wash U’s Gamma Upsilon Chapter of the Theta Omega Epsilon International Women’s Fraternity, freshman Ariella Rosenfeld made an alarming discovery: around 150 sisters, which she had not previously known to exist-- and they were all hers. Annie, who grew up ostensibly as an only child,…

In advance of housing petitions opening, Student Health Services has hired some of the world’s top surgeons to mitigate the school’s annual rooming-inspired mass casualties. "Each year anywhere between fifty and one hundred underclassmen are killed by former suitemates," claimed SHS director Ira Glass. "Although we can't stop the coordinated acts of violence…