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University Researchers Discover that the Smell from the Underpass Makes Your PP Shrink

11

Dec

University Researchers Discover that the Smell from the Underpass Makes Your PP Shrink

In a groundbreaking study published last week in Fake Science Monthly, America’s premier science and research journal, Washington University researchers discovered that the smell from the commonly used Miracle Grow fertilizer on average decreases pp size by 0.5 inches per year. “The fertilizer is highly effective,” said grounds crew member David Torres, “in…

Economists Announce that We’d be at Full Employment Right Now if it Weren’t for Lazy Fucks like You

11

Dec

Economists Announce that We’d be at Full Employment Right Now if it Weren’t for Lazy Fucks like You

The MIT Economics Department released a study last week that they wrote for broad public consumption. Department Chair Lucas Gooch explained that his department is “trying to send a message that ordinary people can understand, because it’s little nudges like this that can change the world.” The study, titled “Hey Derrick, Try Working…

WashU to Require Security Guards for Registered Dorm Parties

27

Sep

WashU to Require Security Guards for Registered Dorm Parties

Citing changes to social policy, the Office of Residential Life will require hired security for registered dorm parties, effective October 2018. Former campus policies had permitted students to host personal social events, provided their RAs didn’t give a shit. According to new policy, security aides will be responsible for checking student IDs, and…

Austin Sweeney “Horrified” at Terrible Alcohol Policy He Wrote When Blackout Drunk

26

Sep

Austin Sweeney “Horrified” at Terrible Alcohol Policy He Wrote When Blackout Drunk

CLAYTON, MO - Scrolling through his texts from the previous night with a mounting sense of dread, Assistant Director of Greek Life Austin Sweeney was forced to confront the fact that he had made a terrible mistake; last night’s bender had resulted in ugly and potentially long-lasting consequences. “This new alcohol policy is…

Med Students Discover Rare Pathogen Amongst StudLife Staffers

24

Sep

Med Students Discover Rare Pathogen Amongst StudLife Staffers

In a stunning discovery, WashU medical students identified a rare pathogen on Friday known to be wreaking havoc among the Student Life publication staff. Coined “bad journalism” by sophomore Trevor Dietrich, the rare phenomenon continues to spread amongst members of the paper’s roster and shows no signs of stopping. “The disease stems from…