In a groundbreaking study published last week in Fake Science Monthly, America’s premier science and research journal, Washington University researchers discovered that the smell from the commonly used Miracle Grow fertilizer on average decreases pp size by 0.5 inches per year. “The fertilizer is highly effective,” said grounds crew member David Torres, “in facilitating natural chemical processes within the soil, increasing the amount of nutrients our plants receive. Additionally, it’s highly effective in stunting the growth of weeds and pp boners.” The Wash U grounds crew uses a large dose of the fertilizer specifically in the garden by the underpass, an underground tunnel linking the South 40 to main campus.
Student and Faculty reactions to the discovery have varied greatly. Sophomore Jimmy Stevens was shocked when he and his friends found out: “Yeah I always thought that smell was weird but now I’m like, c’mon man! Why don’t we just change the fertilizer we use? I don’t want my pp to shrink.” “Oh whatever, that still means I’ll have 8 inches by the time I’m a senior so what’s the big deal? Is your dick not that big?” exclaimed freshman Topher Stultz. Junior Jason Stiegel also heard a rumor that it causes whisky dick, which has yet to be confirmed. When asked to comment on the situation, Chancellor Martin declined. Chancellor Wrighton, however, left the following comment: “Big things come in small packages.”