WUnderHoroscope

  • Aries: March 21 – April 19: You see that guy behind you? You don’t? He’s right there. Behind you. Right there. He’s coming closer. Oh wait that’s just your shadow.
  • Taurus: April 20 – May 20: Don’t trust your gut today. Your tapeworm has bad judgment. 
  • Gemini: May 21- June 21: That dog Quincy and that woman are gonna eat you. You’re fucking dead.  
  • Cancer: June 22- July 22: If you have a rich friend, hang out with them for a free trip. 
  • Leo: July 23 – August 22: Not everything is about you, including this horoscope. 
  • Virgo: August 23 – September 22: What if “what is” was less than your best or which is that which is. 
  • Libra: September 23 – October 22: You will experience a birthday between September 23-October 22.
  • Scorpio: October 24 – November 21: Broken clocks will be right three times a day. 
  • Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21: Sagittarius or saggy tits? You need botox to stay in the game. 
  • Capricorn: December 22 – January 19: Today you are making pluto a planet. 
  • Aquarius: January 20 – February 18: Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 
  • Pisces: February 19 – March 20:  If you don’t have a rich friend, don’t hang out with them, they might ask you for a free trip.