We were too lazy to come up with another new article for this issue, so here’s some of our best work from the last few millennia of WUnderground.
June 3rd, 1453 – Study abroad in Constantinople canceled after city sieged
- “Our big concern is that credits earned under the Ottoman curriculum may not be approved by some departments,” said Dean Cunningham.
September 8, 1789 – Presidential Candidate George Washington: “I would abort baby King George”
- “I cannot tell a lie,” said Washington, sharpening his hatchet. “I would chop him down like a fetal cherry tree.”
October 12, 1492 – Columbus arrives in America, Natives ask “Who do you know here?”
- “They wouldn’t even let me into Hispañola, but I swear I saw a full ship of girls make it to India no problem.”
January 3, 150,000,000 BC – Olin Library to be Rebuilt After Being Crushed by Stegosaurus
- Some school officials argued against rebuilding the library, in consideration of the fact that writing wouldn’t be invented for another 147,000 millenia.
February 6, 27 – SU declines to fund Jesus Christ for Speaker Series
- “There just wasn’t enough money left over after we brought in Michelle Kwan,” said Dean Maximus Lafrenius Quintilius
July 29, 1031 – WUPD Adopts Stricter “Open Chalice” Policies
- In a pioneering move to curb students’ dangerous drinking habits, WUPD banned students from consuming mead and barleywine in public spaces. “All chalices must remain covered with a lamb’s pelt while in public,” said police chief Dan Stram.
November 1, 1869 – WashU invents football, promptly loses to U Chicago
- By the time WashU captain Doc “Doc” Bannon had finished explaining the concept of the forward pass, the Maroons had built up a 72-point lead they would never relinquish.
March 9, 111 BC – Plebeians Protest Inclusion of Peabody CEO in Roman Senate
- Protesters made their distaste known by camping outside the Curia Hostilia for like a week and a half before getting bored and going home.
April 13th, 335 BC – Sophomore Alexander the Great Conquers 40 New Acres South of Forsyth
- The philosophy major says he won’t stop until he reaches the “ends of the world and the great outer sea.”
December 12th, 2215 BC – The Move Tonight: Sodom and Gomorrah
- “Dude, I heard they don’t even card,” Genesis 19:8.
AD 479 – Chancellor “King” Arthur holds roundtable discussion in DUC 232
- Discussion will review a bias report filed by the Lady of Lake after Arthur’s comment that he’s “about to bury his sword in dat ass.”
July 4, 30,474 BC – Man No Like Cave, Man Like Stick
- Man unga bunga other man. I unga bunga your mom.
December 1, 2015 – WUnderground Through the Ages
- “We were too lazy to come up with another new article for this issue, so here’s some of our best work from the last few millennia of WUnderground,” wrote a WUnderground Editor, chuckling to himself.