WUnderground Through the Ages

We were too lazy to come up with another new article for this issue, so here’s some of our best work from the last few millennia of WUnderground.


June 3rd, 1453 – Study abroad in Constantinople canceled after city sieged

  • “Our big concern is that credits earned under the Ottoman curriculum may not be approved by some departments,” said Dean Cunningham.

September 8, 1789 – Presidential Candidate George Washington: “I would abort baby King George”

  • “I cannot tell a lie,” said Washington, sharpening his hatchet. “I would chop him down like a fetal cherry tree.”

October 12, 1492 – Columbus arrives in America, Natives ask “Who do you know here?”

  • “They wouldn’t even let me into Hispañola, but I swear I saw a full ship of girls make it to India no problem.”

January 3, 150,000,000 BC – Olin Library to be Rebuilt After Being Crushed by Stegosaurus

  • Some school officials argued against rebuilding the library, in consideration of the fact that writing wouldn’t be invented for another 147,000 millenia.

February 6, 27 – SU declines to fund Jesus Christ for Speaker Series

  • “There just wasn’t enough money left over after we brought in Michelle Kwan,” said Dean Maximus Lafrenius Quintilius

July 29, 1031 – WUPD Adopts Stricter “Open Chalice” Policies

  • In a pioneering move to curb students’ dangerous drinking habits, WUPD banned students from consuming mead and barleywine in public spaces. “All chalices must remain covered with a lamb’s pelt while in public,” said police chief Dan Stram.

November 1, 1869 – WashU invents football, promptly loses to U Chicago

  • By the time WashU captain Doc “Doc” Bannon had finished explaining the concept of the forward pass, the Maroons had built up a 72-point lead they would never relinquish.

March 9, 111 BC – Plebeians Protest Inclusion of Peabody CEO in Roman Senate

  • Protesters made their distaste known by camping outside the Curia Hostilia for like a week and a half before getting bored and going home.

April 13th, 335 BC – Sophomore Alexander the Great Conquers 40 New Acres South of Forsyth

  • The philosophy major says he won’t stop until he reaches the “ends of the world and the great outer sea.”

December 12th, 2215 BC – The Move Tonight: Sodom and Gomorrah

  • “Dude, I heard they don’t even card,” Genesis 19:8.

AD 479 – Chancellor “King” Arthur holds roundtable discussion in DUC 232

  • Discussion will review a bias report filed by the Lady of Lake after Arthur’s comment that he’s “about to bury his sword in dat ass.”

July 4, 30,474 BC – Man No Like Cave, Man Like Stick

  • Man unga bunga other man. I unga bunga your mom.

December 1, 2015 – WUnderground Through the Ages

  • “We were too lazy to come up with another new article for this issue, so here’s some of our best work from the last few millennia of WUnderground,” wrote a WUnderground Editor, chuckling to himself.