WUnderground Reviews 12.4

Review of the Best St. Louis Ribs, by a Starving African Child
Salt & Smoke: 2 out of 5 “The only advantage of Salt & Smoke it is that it’s only a 20 minute walk from the South 40. The rub was certainly unique—it was overloaded with brown sugar like nothing I had ever tasted before. I had also never been to a restaurant that pairs Bourbons to its ribs, and I probably will not ever again. The contrast between the sting of the alcohol and the sweetness of the barbecue was too polarizing for my liking. Their sauces were particularly pathetic: my distinguished palate could not differentiate between the ‘Hotangy’ and the ‘Mustarolina.’ The Maitre D would not stop raving about them both for whatever reason; I wouldn’t be surprised if she is out of a job within the next few weeks.”
Vernon’s: 1.5/5 “While finding a parking spot was an effort in futility, it was still the most pleasant part about the whole dining experience. Vernon’s had the most ‘meat on its bones’, but when everything was overcooked to such a distressing degree, it became more of a negative than a positive. What protein shavings I could manage to gnaw off the charred cinders that they called ribs were coated in way too much cumin and paprika, without a hint of garlic or cayenne to round out the flavor profile. The sauce was passable, which is good since I had to heap it on just to drown out the aftertaste.”
Pappy’s: 2.75/5 “These were the finest ribs in the city, and that’s not a compliment. They’re undercooked, overseasoned, and the sauces entirely lack the necessary flavor balance. Much too acidic, even to the untrained tongue. As I once told my dear friend, Mayor of Flavortown, Guy Fieri, “this place is really shitty.” Although, I might have been hallucinating from malnutrition at the time.
Reviews of WashU’s Campus, by Two Prospective Students, one who is not going to get in and one who is, in that order

4.6 dollar bills out of 5“What a beautiful campus Washington University in St. Louis has! I can’t help but admire its symmetry, intricate architecture, and general buzz. It just sucks that my ACT score of 27 and 3.33 GPA makes my application such a crapshoot. Were my criteria a bit more distinguishing, I would certainly love living in a modern dormitory on the South 40 and I would become lifelong friends with my suitemates. I presume we would spend late nights switching back between studying for biology and gossiping about the cute girls on our floor. Ideally, I would begin to date one of these girls, and we’d become madly in love, continuing to date even after graduation, only to get married and begin a family together, sending our children to WashU. But I guess it’s probably not for me. I should go look at Emory, where I bet I could get waitlisted!”
4.5 dollar bills out of 5“I had a very good time on my visit too WashU. The school is very pretty and nice. Also I liked the beds because their big and soft. Maybe next year I will be able too go two WashU. My dad says he will have to buy the school probably to knew buildings so I can get in because I drew a fighter plane on my SAT test.”