SEEKING: Amateur Bagpipe Artist to Play at Fish’s Funeral Wake

Contact: 316-420-6969

Seeking amateur bagpipe musician for Beta fish’s funeral wake (my mom was right, I can never be entrusted with another living thing).


  • Must have at least 1 year of experience
  • Actually, fuck it, I’ll take anything I can get at this point
  • My living room is starting to smell bad and I need to do this fast
  • Please God, anyone
  • Must be willing to take requests such as Sarah McGlaughlin’s “In the Arms of the An- gels” or Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”
  • Dammit, that was his favorite song
  • I’m a Murderer
  • How do I live with myself

Please get back to me shortly, though I can’t promise I’ll get back to you as soon as I can’t see what I’m writing anymore through my tears. Tell me honestly, do you think he suffered at the end or went quickly? Contact number listed above, serious inquiries only.