It's literally not even that cute.
It's literally not even that cute.

Recent Study Shows That Nobody Cares About Your Fucking Himalayan Salt Lamp, Laura

A newly released study confirms long-held theories that everybody has had more than enough of your bullshit, Laura. Researchers can now confidently back the hypothesis that we shouldn’t always have to pregame at your place “for the ambiance.”

A survey conducted of a random sample of undergraduate females reports that not only do 68% of subjects have the same fucking Urban Outfitters lamp you’re so excited about, but also that of said lamp-owners, 52% have nearly identical mandala tapestries and 35% have shag rugs of equal or greater tackiness.

Of those polled, 84% reported finding it difficult to take a good enough photo for Instagram when you won’t let us turn the goddamn overhead light on, 7% reported accidentally drinking a shot of nail polish remover instead of Svedka due to the same scarcity of ambient light, and 76% agree with the statement that your recent behaviors imply that you’re seriously overcompensating for being moved to the Village, which wouldn’t even have fucking happened if you’d agreed to live with us instead of those dumb blonde chicks from Umrath who you very well knew had shit lottery numbers.

Those conducting the study were last reported to have moved on to the related theory that nobody wants to hear about that one time you fucked a senior in the Olin Serenity Room.