There seems to be a crisis nowadays—a pandemic, if you will—in which the individual’s responsibility to society is called into question. Whether or not you take certain actions has suddenly become indicative of a person’s character, despite the fact that these actions are in truth quite ridiculous. I am here to challenge one such action: I have the right to not wear pants.
I have the right to not wear pants because walking around with my penis out does not cause anyone harm. If you do not want to see my penis, you can either stand 6 feet away or walk somewhere else. I do not see anything come out of my penis, and I do not touch anyone directly with my penis, so there is no possible way that having my penis out can cause anyone harm. I have the right to walk around with my penis out. I have the right to not wear pants.
I have the right to not wear pants because pants restrict my ability to breathe. Whenever I wear pants, my crotch gets hot and sweaty, and I do not like it. Sometimes I try to breathe easier by pulling my pants down under my penis, but everyone says that pants have to go over both the testicles and the penis in order to work. In my defense, that is uncomfortable, so I will not do it. Doctors might be able to operate for 10 hours straight while wearing pants, but they are professionals. I have the right to be comfortable. I have the right to not wear pants.
I have the right to not wear pants because it covers the part of my body that makes me unique. Science says that eyebrows are the most important factor in recognizing other people. I know that people can still see my eyebrows when I wear pants, but my penis is an integral part of my identity. If people cannot see it, they will be unable to recognize me. If my penis is covered, how will everyone know that I am Jewish? I have the right to not wear pants.
And if you are not already convinced, I have the right to not wear pants because this is America. The First Amendment guarantees me the right to free speech, which affords me the right to do anything. The Constitution has neither a mandate to wear pants nor a clause about complying with government directives. I am a free citizen. I have the right to not wear pants.