WUnderground WashU's Premier (and only) satirical newspaper!
The recent crime wave affecting the WashU community has undoubtedly left an impact. Whether it’s students living off-campus watching over their shoulders with renewed vigilance or WUPD officers working overtime to broadcast incident reports via email blasts, many of us have been affected in one way or another. However, for me, this string of robberies has had an unusual consequence: it’s ensured I won’t be alone this Valentine’s Day.
It all began when a mysterious man stole my 1998 Honda Civic, and along with it, my heart. Our hands brushed when I handed over my keys; the ski mask brought out his piercing blue eyes. In that moment of passion, it barely even registered that there was a gun barrel in my face and that my life was very much in danger.
I could tell he felt the same way. His voice sounded tender and lustful as he instructed me in dulcet tones to “get the fuck out of the car”. I was so charmed and flustered that I awkwardly stammered “call me!” as I got flirtatiously shoved out of the car. How embarrassing – he took my cell phone with him! How is he going to call me? Silly me.
I’m looking forward to our second date. I don’t know when or where I’ll see him again, but I’m giddy with excitement just thinking about it. Maybe he’ll break into my apartment, or maybe he’ll mug me when I’m waiting for the Green Line. It’s so thrilling to have a man who keeps me guessing.
So if you’re nervous about the threat of armed burglary or there’s a lack of romantic prospects in your life, fear not – maybe, like me, you’ll find love in a helpless place soon.
