Junior Relieved After Discovering She’s Not Into Calling Guys “Daddy”

Junior Audrey Kiser let out a sigh of  relief in the early hours of Saturday morning after discovering that she was left unaroused by calling her sexual partner “daddy.” “There are a lot of things that my sexual preferences reveal about me that are un-ideal,” said Kiser, “but it was a load off my mind to discover that a psychosexual fascination with my father isn’t one of them. It’s just such a relief that there’s nothing to question or unpack here.” 

With this phenomenon being so common, some people are bound to find themselves on the other side of the equation. We spoke to several such students, who also seemed glad for these realizations. “I mean, I’ve had lots of girls tell me that they were glad to have slept with me because it helped them realize what they don’t like,” said sophomore math major and (unprompted) self-reported feminist David Becker, “and now that I know that it’s part of some, like, self-knowledge thing, I’m just glad to have helped.” 

Though many students lauded the open conversation started by Kiser’s comments, others took a more negative view. “I’m no prude, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss things like this so broadly,” said junior biomedical engineering major Joanna Zahalsky. “I hate to use an absurd example, but what’s next? Thinly veiled autobiographical satirical newspaper articles about weird sex stuff? It’s honestly gross.”