Economists Announce that We’d be at Full Employment Right Now if it Weren’t for Lazy Fucks like You

The MIT Economics Department released a study last week that they wrote for broad public consumption. Department Chair Lucas Gooch explained that his department is “trying to send a message that ordinary people can understand, because it’s little nudges like this that can change the world.”

The study, titled “Hey Derrick, Try Working for Once, you Fucking Sloth” seeks to raise awareness about the societal barriers to full employment. Below are some notable excerpts:

“You see that little percentage in the Federal Jobs Report? Ever wonder why it’s not zero? It’s because your lazy boo-hoo-I’m-8-months-pregnant hormonal ass isn’t utilizing your economic assets. Hop on that street corner or at least a webcam and start getting some bread! You are the Problem, not your morning sickness.”

“At this very moment, you could be covered from head to toe with greasy fossil fuels in the sub-zero temperatures of a North Dakotan fracking town. But no. What is your Lazy Fuck Ass doing instead? Using Anime Tiddies as a chaser for your progressing opioid addiction? Taking money from the government just because you don’t have limbs anymore? Jesus Christ dude.”

“Not applying for jobs because you’re afraid of being deported by ICE? C’mon. You could literally be selling your organs right now. You have one of the world’s scarcest resources, but you’re unproductive because you’re being a massive pussy.”

In our opinion, this type of insight is exactly what’s needed to galvanize the economy. We need brave Workers, not lazy Free Loaders.