Caught Wet Handed! Student Found Drinking COVID Tests

Students present at the dramatic scene on Monday morning had few words to describe the events that transpired. “Incredible,” said one. “A shocking display of raw determination,” said another. Word spread quickly after sophomore Ricky Lindenmeyer was caught drinking vials from the testing tent spit cooler during Monday’s 9:30 AM time slot. 

“It was like he had practiced for it,” said one testing coordinator. “By the time we noticed and went to intervene, he had already cleaned out the last vial.”    

Immediately following the impressive feat, Lindenmeyer removed his shirt and belched before climbing atop the empty cooler and declaring loudly, “I will soon be the most powerful student on campus. Pay your pittance now or fall forever from my favor.” Witnesses recalled that he accepted offerings of Bear Bucks before he strode out of the tent. 

Upon request of administration, researchers at Washington University’s School of Medicine have begun to examine whether Lindenmeyer’s claims are, in fact, true. The trials are only in the early stages, but the team claims to already be making startling discoveries, with data showing that Mr. Lindenmeyer’s clever intuition could have indeed granted him vast powers. 

Doctors on the research team expressed concern regarding the implications of their findings. “I can’t believe this shit. We’re fucked,” said team lead, Doug Henson. Lindenmeyer has since vanished, but students have been advised to exercise caution and to report any sightings of Lindenmeyer to WUPD.