Sexually aroused, confused, comforted, disturbed, deaf in one ear…alone. I felt all these things and more post-attending my first college a capella concert. Sitting in the pews of a place where a funeral had occurred a week ago, I assured myself nothing could be worse than that.
I wish I had been briefed.
While WashU tour guides make quips about the seal and dedicate at least five minutes to discussing the soft hues those blue lights emit, they neglect to mention that WashU has 13 a cappella groups. Why a school has 13 of anything is one thing but for that to be 13 a capella groups? It’s pretty terrifying. WashU actually has 13 of a lot of things. 13 strains of frat flu, 13 types of black mold in the Beaumont showers, 13 kids in the WashU republican chapter, yet the most frightening, is the disproportionate number of a capella groups.
To be fair, the groups aren’t totally good for nothing. The Aristocats, a group known for their ability to ruin timeless Disney songs, has actually helped slow the growth of Disney adults. Yet, in darker news, a recent spike in anti semitism can be cited, not to Kanye’s tweets, but Staam, WashU’s Jewish a capella group. An anonymous member of WashU’s Hillel chapter suggests that they believe the dwindling number of students at Friday night dinner can be accredited to “that one time Staam performed.”
And listen, I’m not saying that the people who do a capella are bad people or even untalented, I just think the acts they’re committing should have been prevented in the Geneva conventions.
And I’m not even saying all a capella. I specify WashU a cappella because I’m not a monster. I love Pitch Perfect, but you guys don’t sound like Pitch Perfect. I feel like you might not be getting it, so I’m going to list some things I would rather do than hear a capella.
- Eat a cherry coke soaked BD crab rangoon
- Have a two minute conversation with my roommate’s dad
- Listen to a sheep die as a vegan
- Become vegan
- Watch a documentary on the ramifications of fracking
- See my campus crush mimic Gorilla noises at Jane Goodall’s lecture
- Having to yell my order of a pretzel croissant to a Whisper’s employee in a dead silent Whispers
This holiday season, in addition to putting a “fracket” on your christmas list, I urge you to ask for noise canceling headphones in case a well intentioned friend asks you to go listen to acapella. Or just ask for new friends.