This was the 24th consecutive night I have been jolted awake screaming, cowering in my bed, guarding my face expecting to see her bob-haircut and floral scarf blowing in the cold wind gusting through my window. In the moments before I awake, I am trembling. She clasps my shoulders with her old, COVID-susceptible ladyfingers and whispers, “I’ll make you a bitch like Mitch.” As she utters these words, my hand begins to turn gray, my neck droops and pinches to form a crevice, and I develop an eerie desire to be bound and gagged by Rudy Giuliani.
I am beginning to think it results from some repressed desire to be emasculated. Is it because of the internalized oppression of my forced circumcision? I’m a red-blooded American, but I am nothing without my favorite hoodie. This seems like a plausible explanation as to why I would want one of our nation’s juiciest hunks, America’s mayor, to step on me. It’s totally not because I’ve had a celebrity crush on Rudy since I was but a budding centrist in my small hometown, dreaming of the no-nonsense big city lights in New York.
I might be losing my mind like a snowflake dem, but is crazy Nancy trying to siphon power away from dreamy Mitch McConnell? Is this why he looks like an even more antisemitic Dumbledore with his hand and face falling off? She whispered that she would cause me to wither away like Mitch, how is she doing this? Is she tapping into every American man’s deepest, yet most terrifying desire: complete and total submission? Has she lured Mitch to her libshart sex dungeon in the catacombs of the Capitol building?
This is what these twisted dreams have been trying to tell me all along! Neuterin’ Nancy is literally whipping our American heroes into submission! Now it’s McConnell, but she’ll move up the ranks to engulf cabinet members like Betsy DeVos or even Emperor Trump himself. I need to stop this radical commie from ending American traditions like voter suppression.
And they say a Psych degree won’t get you anywhere.