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The holidays: it’s that time of year when the snow falls and your frigid grandmother crawls her way out of the fast-forming fissures in the arctic ice to grace your dining room table. Ay caramba! Here’s a couple gift ideas to help you through this special season:
The Tesla cybertruck
Give this gift if you’re rich and really hate someone but you don’t want them to know it. Force them into eternal purgatory. Tie them inextricably to the sinking ship that is Elon Musk’s legacy. Make them drive that one trapezoid for which you had to calculate the area in middle school geometry.
A St. Louis Arch ornament
Give this gift to your parents to hang on the tree so you can reminisce about your college years every season. When you’re 40, and unemployed, and still living with them, you’ll look at this ornament and say, “remember that? remember WashU?” and they, teeth bared in a forced smile, will nod. For you, the ornament is a beacon of hope; for them, it is only a painful reminder of your wasted potential.
The Green Bay Packers cheesehead
Give this to your slightly shitty boyfriend who roots for any football team but the Green Bay Packers. when he says “thanks babe, but… they’re not my team,” throw a fit tantamount to George Santos when he was kicked out of Congress. Your boyfriend will acquiesce, and now he’s stuck wearing a stupid fucking block of cheese to every Sunday game lest he invoke your rage again.
One of them fancy beer-brewing kits
Give this to anyone in your life who’s recently finished Breaking Bad. it’s not quite the same, but it’s close enough.
The truth that Santa isn’t real
Give this gift to your four-year-old cousin if you want to start him early on the cigarette-smoking realism of the French philosophers. It’s also an indirect gift to his jewish friends, who don’t have to lie to him anymore.
Cash
give this to anyone you respect. Some people say cash is an impolite gift, but really it’s like that part in the mafia movie where they start getting down to brass tacks and shooting each other. A gift is like the beginning part where they’re speaking in veiled threats and being all polite, but cash? That’s the real stuff. That’s what this whole thing is about, motherfucker.
