WUnderground WashU's Premier (and only) satirical newspaper!
Do you ever find strange emails in your inbox? Vague threats of legal prosecution or meal point deficits? If so, you might be the target of PHISHING! While this might sound like a nice day out on the lake with the boys, it’s not nearly as sick nasty. It’s just sick. And it’s nasty. Ghouls on the internet want to steal your information, and they’re gonna send you emails to get it.
As a result of such a pressing threat, WashU’s heroic IT department, our last line of defense, uses the enemy’s tactics against them. By flooding students’ inboxes with phishing emails of their own, IT hopes to train the masses to recognize these bogus messages.
“We pretty much just send really scary emails at like 8:30 in the morning. That’s when the students are most vulnerable,” said IT department chair Goon Robson, “It’s been working a little too well. We’re phishing the hell out of these kids.”
“I got this freshman with the classic: ‘your mom’s dead, gimme money’ trick,” said lead phisherman Rutherford Steez, “Honestly, I bet I’d make more money running a real phishing operation than working here.”
UPDATE:
In the past week, phishing activity at WashU has increased tenfold; students have been hit with a barrage of fake parking tickets, requests for password confirmation, and messages from hot milfs in their area. Meanwhile, the IT department is nowhere to be found. One student, Brandon Scungis, had this to say about the phishing fiasco: “Just yesterday, I got an email from Boeing. They offered me a job making mini WMDs for household use, but when I clicked ‘accept’, all my V-Bucks disappeared!”
I attempted to reach out to WashU IT for further comment, but all that remains of their website is a game that will (and I quote), “make you cum in five seconds”. My suspicions, like my email password, seemed to be confirmed. The WashU IT department had gone rogue, choosing to make hella money phishing wealthy college students. A victimless crime? Maybe. But as an English major once told me, a crime is a crime is a crime is a crime. (I think.) As the university has been left defenseless, the only advice I can give is to STOP READING YOUR EMAILS. All of them. None of them are safe. Set fire to your Outlook account. Become unphishable.
