Location: North Pole
Feeling: A bit peeved off
Well, it’s official. Santa has gone woke. That’s right, he’s Jewish now. Just kidding. But it’s almost just as bad.
Old Saint Nicholas must have asked his little serfs for a surfboard this year (we’re still busting nuts for his union busting) because he’s riding the wave of secular heresy. To preventatively combat his cancelation for years of being too trill, Father Christmas has implemented some policy changes, not the least of which comes to the list of every child that he keeps and checks compulsively like some sort of omniscient Drake.
New to his naughty list, all things good, including: comedy. Joseph (he wasn’t the stepfather, just the father that stepped up). Getting cucked by God. The cozy feeling from white-on-white missionary where you just poke your thing through a pair of flesh-colored long johns. White people being racist but it’s cool bc it’s ironic (shit, I already wrote comedy). The top gospel musician of 2022. Body shaming Rudolph. Having your tongue fall to the floor and uncurl like Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape while going, “AHOOGA AHOOG! humina humina humina humina humina” in response to an A+ pair of bazoombas.
New to his nice list, evil incarnate, such as: saying happy holidays. when you have to say Christmas, just say Xmas, and imagine that it’s the x from Latinx. When you can’t get away with saying Xmas like Latinx, say Xmas like Malcom X. When you can’t get away with saying Xmas like Malcom X, say Xmas like the ex-homie, Judas Iscariot. being nonbinary. Karl Marx (Engels didn’t make the list, he’s even too bitch made for Santa). Every Jew except Jesus.
Also on his naughty list, a podcaster who showed up at WSU takes statements advocating human rights as personal attacks. Look. Ima be real. We take a stand against biased higher education by maintaining extremely low levels of reading comprehension. No, I don’t know what “stochastic terrorism” means, but I get the feeling it’s just a way to dismiss me when I say that a harmless group of lovely people are pedophilic groomers who should no longer exist. Checkmate! That is a logical fallacy because it doesn’t engage the substance of my hatred. I just bested you with reason and as a result, made white in my pants. If paying $11,000 to have a genocidal reactionary elevate the level of discourse on campus is naughty, I don’t want to be nice.