My Christmas List for Santa
I got an extensive list this year because I was super cool and nice to my little brother Brady who fucking stinks and smells like Lemonheads all the time. I even went and visited him at Tufts and met his girlfriend Mariah Carey. She sang some dipshit song about what SHE wants for Christmas, but she didn’t even go to church at all this year I think so she should eat shit and die.
Anyhoo, first on my list is…
#1 Big Bakugan made out of woman
This doesn’t really exist yet but I know the elves are super talented. It’s gonna be like Bakugans from 2008 except it pops out into a 5 foot woman who has like a cool silver plate with crab rangoons on it for me. I’ve attached a pirated link to The Human Centipede for inspo.
#2 Boxing Lessons to Beat Drake’s Ass
I fucking hate Drake he’s got that smug ass Smurf face and he came after Megan Thee Stallion’s name I’m gonna punch him in his ovaries.
#3 A really big hat
I just finished Downton Abbey and want to get back to my roots.
#4 Lunch with Will Ferrell
I just wanted to ask him about his approach to voice acting and how he so perfectly captured the yuppie-turned-cuck The Man in the Yellow Hat in Curious George (2004).
#5 Yoga Ball
I need a yoga ball this year so I can pretend to be pregnant at Babies R Us. No further questions.
#6 A One-Way Ticket to Gary, Indiana
I’m not sure if you know this Santa, but Gary is no longer the steel giant it used to be. Industry left for foreign lands (like Alabama). I think I can save it. With my background in nunchucks and nun-fucking I think theres nothing stopping me. Let’s go be heroes Santy write the check.