Issue 16.4

20

Dec

John Delaney Starting to Think He Might Not Win This Thing

It is now being reported that presidential hopeful John Delaney has started to think that he just might not win this thing. Sources close to the unremarkable moderate candidate have noticed a recent dip in his unwarranted confidence. “Honestly, we’re surprised that it took him so long,” said Alexander “Xan” Fishman, Delaney’s campaign…

Read More

20

Dec

WashU Implements New 2-Factor Authentication System

In a joint statement made on Sunday, WashU Information Technology Services and WUPD announced that students will now be required to use WashU 2FA (two-factor authentication) when accessing WUSTL websites and buildings. In addition to swiping their plastics—WashUID, not Amex—students must scan their Canada goose emblem against a biometric scanner equipped with NASA…

Read More

20

Dec

Excerpt: The Evening Murmurs of a WashU Emergency Blue Light

Ever wondered what’s up with those wacky blue lights all over campus? Wonder no more: the WUnderground Recording Desk (WURD) has helpfully wiretapped your most private emergency communications to shed some light on the happenings at these brooding pillars.

Read More

20

Dec

[redacted]

Hong Kong Free Press - Good evening, this is Yu Xieren reporting live to you from the streets of Hong Kong. A protest has just broken out between anti-China and pro-democracy factions, fighting for the future of the the city. Amidst police-civilian clashes, civilians shout “CHINA IS A GREAT BULLY” and encourage each…

Read More

20

Dec

Air Bud Indicted on Drug Charges

Last weekend, multi-sport athlete Air Bud was indicted on public urination and drug charges at a nightclub in downtown Miami. Witnesses claimed they saw him pounding shots of tequila, rolling multiple fatties, and carrying white pills that Air Bud promised were “just doggy treats.” After being kicked out of the club for being…

Read More