Facing criticism over reports that he’s been training his golden retriever to attack students who receive need-based financial aid, Chancellor Wrighton held a press conference this week to clarify his position on the University’s economic issues. A source within the Wrighton Administration revealed that the move was made in response to low approval…

Last weekend’s Fall WILD saw remarkable improvements in safety, with record few students suffering crocodile attack related injuries. The numbers are 30% lower than the previous record, leading SPB president Leo Park to declare this the “safest WILD ever.”   “We’re really proud of what we accomplished this year safety-wise,” said Park. “Our…

Speaking to reporters on Friday morning, Writing 1 Professor Marilyn Barnhardt expressed hope that her students would not realize she is currently tripping on Phencyclidine, commonly known as PCP. A long-time fan of Kygo, who is headlining this year’s WILD, Barnhardt wanted to ensure she was in the right mindset for the artist’s…

Connie Diekman of Dining Services has been quietly rolling out her plan this past week to include shards of glass in all baked goods sold on campus.   “I’ve tried everything that I could think of to get these kids to eat healthy, but not single flier I’ve put in BD seems to…

Upperclassmen, you may have noticed something a little different about this year’s batch of freshmen. No, it’s not your imagination. It has nothing to do with you looking at the young faces and seeing a less mature reflection of yourself peering out at you across the years with eyes still filled with naïveté…