WUnderground’s Guide to Easter

Maybe you heard your religious studies professor mention that Easter is on March 27 this year, but what does this actually mean? Sure we’ve all heard of Passover, Yom Kippur, and Tish’a B’Av, but what the heck is an Easter? Here at WUnderground, we were just as confused as you, so we decided to call our one Christian friend. He didn’t pick up, though.

Historical Background:

Historians are divided on the origins of “Christianity,” the religion which celebrates Easter. Some argue that the religion emerged in the 1st Century AD when a group of Jews started following a carpenter named Jesus, who was world renowned for his exceptionally sturdy coffee tables. Others argue that it was founded in the 5th Century by a guy named Chris who enjoyed dressing up in a bunny suit and tried to get others to do so too. Regardless, historians agree that Easter is a celebration of resurrection, either of Jesus after he was killed by the Romans, or Chris’ return to the bunny suit after his wife made him stop wearing it for a few months.

How do they celebrate?

Easter is all about Jesus’s death and resurrection, which is why most families today chose to celebrate Easter by visiting grandparents, the members of the family that are frailest and closest to death. Families engage in a symbolic “withholding of the food” from their grandparents, which mirrors an ancient practice of saving food for those who were young and virile enough to actually deserve it. Although in ancient times grandparents would actually be starved to death via withheld food, today families often offer them at least a few scraps.

What’s up with the eggs?

One of the most distinctive features of Easter is the hard-boiled egg, also known as the baytsah. The egg serves as both a symbol of renewal and rebirth, as well as a memorial for the second temple, destroyed in 70AD by the Romans. Some also say it acts as a symbol for the Jewish people themselves. Wait, shit. I’m thinking of Passover again. Uh, I guess Easter eggs could represent that Jesus was part reptile, capable of of both live and embryonic virgin birth? I don’t know guys, I’m really out of my element here.

Is Easter an important holiday?

Yes, it’s arguably the most important in Christianity, although the Pope often updates his “Top 5 Most Important Holiday” list, usually on his YouTube channel, PontiFlix. Protestant Christians, who think the Pope is an asshole, refer to their own list of most important holidays, scrawled on the inside of a bathroom stall in a Tulsa, Oklahoma middle school. Other important holidays include Christmas and going to Chick-fil-A. What are those, you ask? I don’t know buddy, why don’t you pick up a book or something. I’m not a fucking encyclopedia.