Freshman Jared Small was seen fleeing campus late Thursday evening with the Mudd Field COVID-testing tent tucked under his arm. A video of the contraband appeared on Small’s TikTok video app account later the same day with the caption “just hit the most diabolical lick 👅🤩😈🎪.” All 14 of Small’s followers “liked” the video, providing the alleged perpetrator the approval he wanted for this self-admittedly diabolical act.
A current rumor holds that Small was heard saying “boonk gang, whole lotta gang shit” as he left the scene of the crime. However, our editorial staff has been able to disprove this rumor. Sources confirm that, at the time of the “boonk gang” trend, Small’s mother had made him delete iFunny in order to concentrate on Algebra 1.
School administration vowed to punish the thief of one of WashU’s most beloved landmarks, provoking widespread backlash. Small’s defenders have pointed out that, like most freshmen, the student is simply unaware that he is no longer in high school and so could not know that he isn’t in an environment where his behavior would find general acceptance.