Dr. Spaceman, one of SHS’ most successful former employees

SHS Doctor’s Medical Degree found to be false positive

According to sources within the Habif Health & Wellness Center, an SHS doctor’s medical degree was recently found to have been a false-positive. Apparently, Dr. Sonia Wellston’s doctorate was not in medicine, and her being hired was due to an administrator misreading of her resume due to extreme fatigue, nausea, and vomiting that the medical center had diagnosed as a minor cold.

“When I interviewed for a job with SHS I thought I was potentially going to be a receptionist, because that’s all my doctorate in cello performance can get me” began Dr. Wellston, before breaking into tears lamenting all her life choices. She continued, “I just went with it when they started talking to me as if I were a doctor; looking around, I assumed it was university policy to hire doctors without medical degrees.”

Sources within SHS have commented that the University originally planned to conduct a thorough review of the entire staff’s credentials, but decided not to as the Chancellor’s office has more pressing issues within the university community to ignore entirely, such as the small chupacabra that has taken up residence on Mudd Field.

Wellston was one of the most popular doctors at SHS, having received an amazing 11% approval rating, 8% higher than that of the next most revered SHS doctor. In her 7 years at SHS, she incorrectly predicted two campus-wide epidemics, misdiagnosed 43 students with mono, and only accidentally killed three patients.