WUnderground WashU's Premier (and only) satirical newspaper!
Virgo: Look out! Love is in the air. Better catch it, lest you live life loveless and alone. If you can’t catch it, duck.
Libra: Watch out for sharks. And cars. And the unstoppable drumbeat of each passing second. Better yet, just stay at home today.
Scorpio: Goat day! Memorize these facts to dazzle your peers: The lifespan of a goat is 15-18 years. Goats are herbivores. A particular goat’s bleat will sound different than that of a goat in a different country.
Sagittarius: Eat well today! Eat, and look into the gluttony that has overtaken your soul and know that although you are of God’s creation, you are no longer welcome in his kingdom.
Capricorn: Each time you close your eyes he gets closer. Don’t worry, he’s friendly… usually 🙂
Aquarius: Sex ★☆☆☆☆ Hustle ★☆☆☆☆ Bustle ★★☆☆☆ Vibe ★☆☆☆☆
Pisces: At some point today, someone might ask you a question you can’t bear to answer. It’s about zoo opening and closing times. This was a pun, the zoo closes at 5.
Aries: It’s over. She left me. God, I miss her so much. What did I do wrong? Or was it more that I was wrong and she was so right. I remember that night we met and I knew I would never be good enough, why did I let myself forget that? Anyways, Aries, your day will probably be fine.
Taurus: Beret. Moonshine. Quartz. Soil. Daylight. Dictionary. Liability. Accumulation. Ice. Recline. Shimmer. Vent. Cardinal. Madeliatize. Smug. Meander. Bottle. Felt. Heartbeat. Marmalade. Remember these words well. As if your life depends on it… it might.
Gemini: You’re doing great buddy. Don’t forget the affirmations. You’re gonna kill it today, Gary. Kill it, I tell ya.
Cancer: Lucky you, Cancer. You’re the sharpest tool in the shed. All Cancers are known for their outstanding social deftness, intimidating good looks, and ability to gracefully reject all the milfs that are naturally drawn to them. I, for one, wish I was a cancer. I’m definitely not though. 😉
Leo: Leos are known for their robotic nature. This one’s for you, Leo! 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01101100 01101001 01110011 01100001 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110011 01100101 00101110 00100000.
