Unfortunately, we’ve run out of money to pay someone to write this article. If we did have someone to write this article, we’d tell you about the latest big news going on in the United States of America. We think it’s something to do with Trump and North Korea and the security of the nation, but we don’t have enough money to do the research. We apologize if you find a nuke dropped on your city one day; we don’t have the budget to inform you of your imminent doom.
Maybe we should take a moment to explain. Our goddamn treasurer Henry decided it was more important to have actual treasure than an issue, so he spent our whole budget on a treasure chest from eBay. Why would someone sell real treasure on eBay, Henry? Don’t give us that “it looked legit” and “I didn’t expect the chest to just be full of fucking ghosts” shit.
Instead of writing a real article, we’re going to have to use this space to give you some financial advice, so you can learn from our mistakes. Keep in mind that this advice consists mainly of quotes that I transcribed whilst eavesdropping on our exec board as they tore our dear treasurer a new asshole, as well as the few wails I could catch from the ghosts of former Domino’s managers as they escaped from the chest:
1) Don’t spend $600 on a treasure chest from eBay
2) Especially don’t spend $600 on a treasure chest from eBay if it says the contents are “a mystery”
3) Make sure you know what your job title means
4) Thin crust is better than thick crust
5) And don’t buy a goddamn treasure chest
Anyway, that’s the most we can do for you under the current financial circumstances, but we hope you enjoyed the meager offerings WUnderground has left.
While we’ve got your attention, we’re a little short on cash and would appreciate any support you could spare to keep our organization afloat. Please send donations to our summer Chateau on Lake Como, care of our Abroad Secretarial Staff.