Washington University senior Eliot Traftson is now the ugliest thing named Eliot on campus, according to a new study funded by the Student Union.
“Everybody loves to complain about how ugly Eliot is,” explained SU senator Jonathan Stevens. “So when we found out that Eliot Hall was going to be torn down, we decided to take it upon ourselves to protect this timeless tradition of complaining by nding the next ugliest Eliot on campus.”
While most of the student body is relieved that there is a new thing called Eliot to hate on, the results of the study have proved disastrous for Eliot’s social life. “My girlfriend left me, my friends won’t go out with me, and yesterday an entire tour group stopped to point at me and laugh,” admitted a teary-eyed Eliot. “This one guy even took a picture.”
Rachel Smith, Eliot’s ex-girlfriend, recalled the day that he became the university’s ugliest Eliot. “We were eating lunch and I was trying to convince him to y home with me and meet my parents,” she said. “Then I heard a loud crashing sound and watched as Eliot Hall came tumbling down in the distance. I looked back across the table at Eliot and suddenly thought to myself, ‘Wow, this kid really has a giant nose. With a wart on it. And a unibrow.’ I don’t know how I never noticed that stuff before.”
Others students have expressed similar feelings of disgust. “It’s really a shame,” said fellow senior Ryan Daley. “Our campus is just so beautiful, but every now and then you’ll see Eliot sticking out like a sore thumb off in the distance and it ruins everything. I mean, why would Wash U ever admit somebody that ugly? He doesn’t t in with the rest of campus at all.”
In a related story, SU representatives have announced that they will respond to construction on the underpass by beginning a new search for the best Wash U student to draw ads on.