WUnderground WashU's Premier (only) Satirical Newspaper Est. 2004
What happened to the holiday I love? Have we forgotten where we came from? Christmas is losing its magic, and I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Ask your neighbors, your coworkers, even ask your brown-furred four legged companion. And no, it’s not just about the gifts or the decorations. Christmas is a time of cheer, joy, tradition, and generosity. It’s about being around friends and family, not iPad. I’m just an average guy who can see that the best holiday of the year is suffering from a severe lack of spirit and imagination, and I have to set things straight.
First of all, whatever happened to having a jolly Yuletide carol? I miss when people would go door-to-door and sing about how “Santa Claus is comin’ to town!” The guy used to be the bee’s knees, the celebrity that everyone loved! Now I don’t hear so much as a peep about the jolliest fellow on Earth.
Also, why have some people stopped putting out milk and cookies for the big guy? Do they not realize that he has to travel the whole WORLD in a single night? Just saying, if I were Santa (who I’m not, sadly), I would really appreciate some cookies and milk while I serve the ungrateful public for free. And I don’t want to hear that you can’t afford them because of “Bidenflation,” or “we as the parents just eat them anyway.” Excuses! Oh, and don’t even get me started on the lack of carrots for the reindeer; if this keeps up they’ll probably unionize!
And for Christmas’ sake, why have chimneys become so damn narrow? It seems like every single year in the month of November EVERYONE decides it’s time to renovate their flue to be three inches narrower. If you dare say that “sAnTa’s jUsT gEtTiNg fAtTeR,” enjoy your heap of coal this 25th! Besides, he probably has to give away so much Ozempic that he has none left for himself, you selfish scrooges.
The gifts might be the worst part of this whole thing. Santa used to get a handwritten letter with stickers and everything, and now he just gets sent the link to an Amazon wishlist with a single item on it. You could have just sent him the link to the actual item!
Now, this isn’t about me. I have no personal stake in the matter—I’m just a concerned citizen who’s seen Christmas lose its way. But if we all pull together with fewer Ring doorbells and requests for “crypto currency”—and, I don’t know, the occasional note of gratitude—we can bring back some of the cheer that made this holiday what it is, and MAKE CHRISTMAS GREAT AGAIN! Sadly, the reality of it is nobody’s gonna fucking listen. Whatever. You’ve all been on the naughty list since the Nixon administration anyway.
P.S. Stop asking Santa for sex toys. The elves are not comfortable testing them.
