Issue 12.3 – Page 2 – WUnderground

04

Nov

Last Freshman Finally Disenchanted with WashU

Sniffling hopelessly over the stream of tears that drenched the remains of her taco salad, freshman Emily Weitzman finally became the last member of the Class of 2019 to abandon her hopeful image of Washington University. The soggy, lukewarm appropriation of Mexican food was the last straw, according to reports, but a number…

Wrighton Addresses Concerns with Salary Reform for Adjunct Professors

04

Nov

Wrighton Addresses Concerns with Salary Reform for Adjunct Professors

Facing criticism over reports that he’s been training his golden retriever to attack students who receive need-based financial aid, Chancellor Wrighton held a press conference this week to clarify his position on the University’s economic issues. A source within the Wrighton Administration revealed that the move was made in response to low approval…

“Safest WILD Ever” sees 30% drop in students attacked by crocodiles

27

Oct

“Safest WILD Ever” sees 30% drop in students attacked by crocodiles

Last weekend’s Fall WILD saw remarkable improvements in safety, with record few students suffering crocodile attack related injuries. The numbers are 30% lower than the previous record, leading SPB president Leo Park to declare this the “safest WILD ever.” “We’re really proud of what we accomplished this year safety-wise,” said Park. “Our…

Writing 1 Professor Hopes Students Don’t Realize She’s Tripping On PCP In Class Today

23

Oct

Writing 1 Professor Hopes Students Don’t Realize She’s Tripping On PCP In Class Today

Speaking to reporters on Friday morning, Writing 1 Professor Marilyn Barnhardt expressed hope that her students would not realize she is currently tripping on Phencyclidine, commonly known as PCP. A long-time fan of Kygo, who is headlining this year’s WILD, Barnhardt wanted to ensure she was in the right mindset for the artist’s…