Issue 16.3

Chancellor Martin Promotes New Solar Energy Plan
15
Nov

Chancellor Martin Promotes New Solar Energy Plan

The newly inaugurated Chancellor Andrew D. Martin believes WashU can play a part in combating global warming. “These rising temperatures threaten our way of life,” he said at a congratulatory dinner in which he announced his new Solar Energy Plan, “and we need to do something.” Martin continued to prophesy about climate change,…
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SEEKING: Amateur Bagpipe Artist to Play at Fish’s Funeral Wake
15
Nov

SEEKING: Amateur Bagpipe Artist to Play at Fish’s Funeral Wake

Contact: 316-420-6969 Seeking amateur bagpipe musician for Beta fish’s funeral wake (my mom was right, I can never be entrusted with another living thing). Qualifications Must have at least 1 year of experience Actually, fuck it, I’ll take anything I can get at this point My living room is starting to smell bad…
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Wash U to Re-Brand Philosophy Major as WGSS, But For Men
15
Nov

Wash U to Re-Brand Philosophy Major as WGSS, But For Men

Upon heavy request, Wash U’s Philosophy Department has begun the process of rebranding to WGSSBFM (Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies, But For Men). The university states that they hope this change will encourage white men to freely express their opinions at any time, whether prompted to or not. “I think this will open…
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Tensions Soar after Alpha Phi Bans Chewing Tobacco
15
Nov

Tensions Soar after Alpha Phi Bans Chewing Tobacco

“I just wanted to throw in a fat hogger,” complained Alpha Phi sister Ainsley Ambrose after she was expelled from chapter for pulling out a tin of Grizzly. Ainsley’s incident is the latest in a string of conflicts that have arisen from the WashU sorority’s recent dipping ban. Alpha Phi national representative Brooke…
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