Before this information gets redacted by the higher authorities, WUnderground must report on a breaking discovery: Pyramid Promotions is scheming with the illuminati. Yes, this vague company that students blindly throw cash at is tied with the biggest WashU conspiracy to date. No one actually knows where the money that Pyramid collects each week goes. It has been suggested that Pyramid Promotions is just Chancellor Andrew Martin’s side hustle, but the up-charge conversion on meal points is his game. No, Pyramid Promotions is tied to a group of people even more ancient than the chancellor.
The ties between Pyramid Promotions and the Illuminati become increasingly evident with closer examination. The triangular logo was the first giveaway–maybe they should try to be a bit more secretive. The second was Pyramid’s emails sent to underage freshman boys that look like they are 11 years old. The support for underage drinking reflects the actual illuminati’s ancient ties to Medieval Europe, where even infants drank beer. And these were actual infants, not just children stroking their first wisps of facial hair.
We sent our best journalists into some Pyramid events for further investigation. It turns out that the venues themselves are fronts for Illuminati meetings. The meetings take place in the last stall of the women’s bathroom, which actually opens up into a much larger boys’ club. The line to the bathroom is so goddamn long so that no students ever have a chance of getting through the door and finding the Illuminati gathered.
You may be asking, what are the Illuminati using all this money for? Well, the Illuminati was a liberal anti-religious religious group in mid-1780s Bavaria that claimed to control life and death. In early America, threats about the Illuminati were tossed around to stir up controversy around election time. Naturally, we can assume the Illuminati has partnered with the Democrats to tear down all that is holy once more. Specifically, they used this money to doctor Obama’s birth certificate and to help Hillary Clinton conspire with China.
The investigation into the Illuminati-Pyramid Promotions partnership is ongoing. Nevertheless, their scheme is undeniable. Even the company’s abbreviation–PP–connects to the Illuminati. PP is another word for peepee, which is yellow and luminous: just like the Illuminati’s fixation on light.