334 Posts
Santa to Bring Coal to Naughty Miners
16
Dec

Santa to Bring Coal to Naughty Miners

A coal mine in eastern Wyoming has found a holiday- themed solution to get out of work once and for all. On December 6th, mine worker Gary Sherwood realized that by acting up on the job he would be obliging Santa Claus to bring him coal for the holidays. “According to Christmas lore,…
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Finals Stress Mitigated by Impending North Korean Nuclear Threat
16
Dec

Finals Stress Mitigated by Impending North Korean Nuclear Threat

With finals around the corner, it’s natural for college students to feel a great deal of stress around this time of year. In light of recent news and the realization that finals will be meaningless due to imminent nuclear war, upcoming exams and papers haven’t managed to have the same effect on students.…
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God Suspended Due to Hazing Incident
23
Nov

God Suspended Due to Hazing Incident

God has been temporarily suspended from the known universe after several reports of a violent hazing incident this past weekend. Under the euphemistic guise of a “faith-building exercise,” God is alleged to have commanded Abraham, a pledge, to climb a mountain and murder his son, Isaac. Rumors of God’s hazing activities have been…
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Senior “Not Like Those Other Guys”
23
Nov

Senior “Not Like Those Other Guys”

Sources close to the subject report that Wash U senior Jasper Simmons is nothing like all those other assholes. “Jasper doesn’t care about typical guy stuff like fantasy football and grilling things,” points out sophomore Lena Smith. “He would much rather teach you about Sufjan Stevens and the merits of local craft breweries…
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