ATLANTA, GA—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control have found startling research on the Fila Disruptors, the Thot Shoe that has seen increased popularity following Hot Girl Summer. Lead scientist Dr. Whet Faartz has discovered that wearing these specific Fila shoes leads to increased levels of aggression and violence. The shoe is known…

And you’re enjoying it! This is funny, right? You appreciate our clever jokes and quirky social commentary. Our scathing and finely honed humor just hits a bit differently than that elementary bullshit your suitemates enjoy. It’s elegant and polished, like a fine red wine. And you definitely drink red wine. Wafting in the…

Regina George... how do I even begin to describe Regina George? Regina George is flawless I heard she does car commercials in Kazakhstan One time she stole liquor out of her dad’s butler pantry and pawned it for 800 cases of Chef Boyardee. During gym class, she doesn’t just get picked first. She…

The newly inaugurated Chancellor Andrew D. Martin believes WashU can play a part in combating global warming. “These rising temperatures threaten our way of life,” he said at a congratulatory dinner in which he announced his new Solar Energy Plan, “and we need to do something.” Martin continued to prophesy about climate change,…

Contact: 316-420-6969 Seeking amateur bagpipe musician for Beta fish’s funeral wake (my mom was right, I can never be entrusted with another living thing). Qualifications Must have at least 1 year of experience Actually, fuck it, I’ll take anything I can get at this point My living room is starting to smell bad…