The U.S. government released a statement on Tuesday confirming that exactly half of all existing conspiracy theories are true, surprising many and filling others with a smug sense of satisfaction. The entire nation has been discussing the comprehensive 1,543-page report confirming and denying various conjectures.
Many conspiracy theorists, both amateur and professional, expressed excitement over the validation of their unlikely (yet somehow true) speculations. “I knew there was something suspicious about those chemtrails,” Alex Jones of InfoWars.com gloated. “Looks like Big Government isn’t getting away with this one.”
Others were puzzled that their theories were off. Jebediah Karsen, a plumber from Arkansas, was dismayed to find out that Barack Obama was not born in Kenya. “But at least he’s secretly Muslim!” he noted.
At a Green Party rally, Presidential candidate Jill Stein addressed the report. “I’d like to apologize for my incorrect comments regarding vaccines; clearly I was wrong to advocate for homeopathy over modern medicine. That being said, the report confirmed that wireless internet causes brain tumors in children – we need to ban Wi-Fi from schools NOW!”
In the midst of this controversy, some remain skeptical of the news. “The government finally admitted that JFK was kidnapped by aliens who escaped from Area 51…but what if that’s what they want us to think?” asked Tim Scott, an insurance salesman from Florida. “It just seems too convenient…”
“Come to think of it, that ‘official document’ they released doesn’t even mention lizard people once. When will these sheeple open their eyes?!”