In a moment of deep and profound mercy, President Donald Trump decided to pardon the McChicken he had planned on eating in honor of the Thanksgiving Holiday.
Citing his Christian faith and sudden hankering for a McFish, Trump announced that he would allow the McChicken sandwich, a processed and somewhat ambiguous amalgam of cooked chicken, “to live out the rest of its natural life in the wild where it belonged.”
“McChicken is a fantastic guy. #1 clucker. MY people know this, my people would never lay a finger on this McChicken. And the mainstream media, always after McChicken. It’s a witch hunt. CNN better watch its back,” tweeted Trump.
“I think this chicken has a really long and healthy life ahead of him,” said Trump, bending over to place the sandwich on the White House lawn before giving it a gentle pat. “You’re free to go. Fly away now.” At press time, the McChicken was seen lying motionless on the grass, completely untouched.
Democrats have taken this gesture as a plea for constitutional leniency from the White House, but have assured reporters that they plan to move forward with their impeachment inquiry. Nancy Pelosi, last seen purchasing an Impossible Whopper from Burger King, could not be reached for comment.