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From the makers of the original White Noise Machine designed to lull users into a gentle slumber, Skymall presents a new and revolutionary White Noise Machine for Realists. The product is set to hit stores this December, complete with several new pragmatic, true-to-life settings.
For the environmentalists out there, the machine’s first new setting will offer rainforest sounds with a topical twist. This new track features the crackling sounds of tree canopies burning, punctuated with the occasional squeal of endangered species killed in the wreckage. Brought to you directly from Brazil’s incinerating Amazon, producers say this realistic take on rainforest sound will allow people to sleep knowing the truth… and that’s the most peaceful effect of all.
The machine’s producers state, “People love the rainforest. There really is a pleasing white-noise quality to it that
we think users will love. Also, we couldn’t find any original rainforest sounds from before the fires, but this seems to do just fine.” President Bolsonaro declined to comment.
The next new track on the White Noise Machine for Realists was engineered for college students. This track features muffled sobs interspersed with the sound of blowing mucus, meant to imitate your emotionally unstable roommate from freshman year.
Here to comment is user Jacob Bernstein, a college student who recently put this setting to the test. States Bernstein, “I’d been having a tough time falling asleep in my single room sophomore year, but this setting put me right to sleep. It’s like Max was still there on a bed 3 feet from mine, right back in that deep depression. Those sobs lulled me to sleep all of freshman year. Yeah, I slept great.”
Set to hit stores December 12th, the White Noise Machine for Realists will be a sure hit among users of all ages. Stay tuned: producers have hinted at plans to release more groundbreaking settings, such as “The Millennial Special,” featuring 11 Hours of Continuous Thunderous Applause.
