In a move that brought a collective sigh of relief to the student body, Student Health Services has announced that its practitioners will now begin using WebMD as a diagnostic tool. The announcement, which came amidst a rampant influenza outbreak and complaints that students are often severely misdiagnosed, has been met with overwhelming support from students and faculty.
“I went to SHS because I thought I had strep throat. I expected them to run some sort of test on me, but instead they put a cast on my right arm and told me not to worry about it,” said sophomore Sarah Gagnon.
Unfortunately, stories like Sarah’s are not uncommon. Senior Alex Hart was given penicillin for his sprained ankle, while sophomore Josie Mathers received a handful of Skittles when she came to SHS for a refill of her prescription for birth control.
There is widespread hope on campus that the use of WebMD at SHS will improve the accuracy of their diagnoses. Indeed, early results have been promising. Lisa, a huge fucking bitch who was selected to take part in a trial run of the program, stated that, thanks to WebMD, she received a much more accurate diagnosis than she expected.
“I went to SHS, suspecting that I had the stomach flu, and was instead diagnosed with stomach cancer. While there’s still room for improvement, I would definitely call it a step in the right direction—at least they had the right organ this time!”
SHS will begin rolling out the program over the next three weeks. In addition, it will be piloting a new mental health program in the coming months in which all of the counselors will be replaced with cardboard cutouts of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in an effort to cut spending and shorten the wait time to book an appointment.