Parents’ weekend happened. And maybe your parents had too good a time and are planning on going next year. Here’s a 17.5 hour itinerary that will be sure to make your parents think twice about buying a “mama bear” sweatshirt in the campus bookstore next year.
Take them to Hillel with you for Shabbat dinner. If you’re Catholic, you should still take them to Hillel. Pour them a hefty glass of moscato and then yourself, so they think you’re cool. Once they begin eating and start to grimace at the overly salted soup, tell them it reminds you of their cooking. Parents love to believe you think about them when you eat. After spending at least 45 minutes there, take them back to your dorm, and play a sad song and start to cry. Tears freak out dads and maybe they’ll give you a tissue or an adidas raw hem cropped sweatshirt with “WashU” faintly written on it in the left hand corner. They’ll probably make comments about your extensive M&M collection, but if you cry really hard, they’ll drop it.
Then do each other’s eyeliner. If you put it on the waterline, people will assume the previous tears are attributable to it. When you share this makeup trick with them, they’ll feel super reassured in their decision to spend $80,000 a year on your education. Then, take them to a ZBT party, but make sure you’re aggressively sober. Wave enthusiastically to at least 2.7 people so your parents think you know people. Tell them “Poland ” by Lil Uzi Vert is your favorite song so they think you’re learning about other cultures. After, steal a beer soaked pack of cigarettes. Next, tell your mom you know that she smokes heavily and you’ve actually known since you were 14. If you tell her that lung cancer can be caused by smoking, your mom will be super mad but also happy because she now thinks you’re still sticking with the whole premed thing.
If you’ve done it right, your parents probably leave at 2pm on Saturday and only have time for breakfast and to buy you your fungal infection cream at CVS. Your mom will want to stop at the campus bookstore to buy a sticker that says “Proud WashU mom,” but your dad will take her aside and tell her that she should probably hold off in case you transfer. You say goodbye to them and breathe a sigh of relief before sobbing into your pillow and calling your mom when they touch down to tell her you miss her… Then you rally and go to the dope Club Sailing team mixer. It’s frickin awesome!