Student Life Investigates Leaves Falling from Trees: Fraternities at Fault

Student Life Investigates Leaves Falling from Trees: Fraternities at Fault

A recent investigation investigation conducted by Student Life, WashU’s premier [only] nonsatirical independent student newspaper, studied why leaves have been changing colors and suspiciously disappearing from trees, concluding campus fraternities were behind the stunt. The two-week-long investigation included thorough questioning of eye-witnesses, a comprehensive student survey, and other strategies often employed by newspapers…
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Office of Sustainability Launches Seasonal Initiative: #NoWipeNovember

Office of Sustainability Launches Seasonal Initiative: #NoWipeNovember

WashU’s environmental friendliness has always been a source of pride for the administration and student body. Over the past few years the school removed every trash can from campus, forbade all students and alums from ever purchasing SUVs, and stopped selling bottled water. In recognition of these exceptional steps, the school was awarded…
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SubMarines: New Delmar Cafe Hires Only Vets With Extreme PTSD

SubMarines: New Delmar Cafe Hires Only Vets With Extreme PTSD

In an effort to ease veterans back into the workforce, a new local eatery called “SubMarines” is exclusively hiring former soldiers who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). To smooth their transition, owner Tex “Sarge” Denver tries to find common ground between their experiences in the field of war and challenges of the…
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Last Freshman Finally Disenchanted with WashU

Sniffling hopelessly over the stream of tears that drenched the remains of her taco salad, freshman Emily Weitzman finally became the last member of the Class of 2019 to abandon her hopeful image of Washington University. The soggy, lukewarm appropriation of Mexican food was the last straw, according to reports, but a number…
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Wrighton Addresses Concerns with Salary Reform for Adjunct Professors

Wrighton Addresses Concerns with Salary Reform for Adjunct Professors

Facing criticism over reports that he’s been training his golden retriever to attack students who receive need-based financial aid, Chancellor Wrighton held a press conference this week to clarify his position on the University’s economic issues. A source within the Wrighton Administration revealed that the move was made in response to low approval…
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