October, 2015

  • 27 October

    “Safest WILD Ever” sees 30% drop in students attacked by crocodiles

    Last weekend’s Fall WILD saw remarkable improvements in safety, with record few students suffering crocodile attack related injuries. The numbers are 30% lower than the previous record, leading SPB president Leo Park to declare this the “safest WILD ever.”   “We’re really proud of what we accomplished this year safety-wise,” ...

  • 23 October

    Writing 1 Professor Hopes Students Don’t Realize She’s Tripping On PCP In Class Today

    Speaking to reporters on Friday morning, Writing 1 Professor Marilyn Barnhardt expressed hope that her students would not realize she is currently tripping on Phencyclidine, commonly known as PCP. A long-time fan of Kygo, who is headlining this year’s WILD, Barnhardt wanted to ensure she was in the right mindset ...

  • 2 October

    Connie to Add Glass to All Campus Sweets

    Connie Diekman of Dining Services has been quietly rolling out her plan this past week to include shards of glass in all baked goods sold on campus.   “I’ve tried everything that I could think of to get these kids to eat healthy, but not single flier I’ve put in ...

  • 2 October

    Admissions Announces New Strides Towards Intellectual Diversity on Campus

    Upperclassmen, you may have noticed something a little different about this year’s batch of freshmen. No, it’s not your imagination. It has nothing to do with you looking at the young faces and seeing a less mature reflection of yourself peering out at you across the years with eyes still ...

  • 2 October

    Student who pays $60,000 for tuition excited by free lunch

    Chowing down on a piece of Domino’s pizza that he had snuck from a free lunch spread in Bauer Hall, WashU senior Walter Bergstrom reported feeling thrilled by the sudden windfall. Bergstrom, who pays full tuition at one of the most expensive universities in the world, admitted that he probably ...