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WUSA Drops Out of School to Pursue Culinary Ambitions

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This week sophomore Jessica Abrams has officially declared to her friends and family that she will no longer be attending Wash U. Abrams explained her departure in an emotional facebook post: “Dearest friends and loved ones. It fills me with great excitement to say that I am heading on to ...

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Open Discussion for Democracy and Disagreement Ends in Fatal Stabbing

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The University-hosted Open Discussion for Democracy and Disagreement took an unexpected turn September 14th when it suddenly ended in a fatal stabbing. The incident stemmed from a disagreement between freshman Austin Wilson and junior Lauryn Saunders-Brownstein. “Austin was totally out of control,” claimed a witness who refuses to label herself ...

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Unfazed by Debate Rejection, Johnson Forges Ahead in Campaign

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As the University prepares itself for the upcoming presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, an increased sense of excitement can be felt throughout campus. Less excited, however, is Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson, who failed to gain the 15% support in national polls needed to be invited to ...

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Freshman Haunted by Demon Stupidly More Worried about Making Friends

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Freshman Jeremy Morrison reported recently that he was feeling “very nervous,” but foolishly because he feared he “wouldn’t fit in at college,” and not because of the ancient and maleficent being Ieriub’hxal that has haunted him since a rather unfortunate visit to Madam Beelzebub’s Antique Shop and Hotdog Shack back ...

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Citing Lack of Diversity, Physics Department Grants Tenure to Freshman Who Withdrew from Class

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As the semester kicks into high gear for many Washington University students, freshman Samantha Kline has an exciting new job– a fully tenured position as a professor of physics. Last Monday morning, while trying to withdraw from his introduction to Physics class, Kline pushed the wrong button and instead became ...

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Articles in this Issue

  • BREAKING NEWS: Governor Parson Can’t Find the Clit
  • All the Emails I Receive in a Week from the WashU CS Department
  • A Guide to Going Out in St. Louis: Female Edition
  • Fiction Fiction Fiction Student Symposium
  • So Your Boyfriend is Going Bald
  • What Your Most Frequented Dining Hall Says About You
  • Jonah Hill Wasn’t the Reason I Started Liking Jewish People, the Parkside Bagel Was. This Is My Story.