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There seems to be a crisis nowadays—a pandemic, if you will—in which the individual’s responsibility to society is called into question. Whether or not you take certain actions has suddenly become indicative of a person’s character, despite the fact that these actions are in truth quite ridiculous. I am here ...

Hey, freshman! Yeah bro, you right there. Way you’re walking, looks like the only thing you’ve been crushing this semester is tap water. I get it I get it, things are dry these days: no Big Daddy’s, no TKE basement, no Chem PLTL. Most of the girls in your life ...

WASHINGTON D.C. — At an unplanned press conference on Friday, CDC Director Robert Redfield informed Americans that right now the most constructive thing to do in response to the Coronavirus is panic, absolutely panic. Sweating and panting uncontrollably, the visibly frightened CDC Director told Americans to just “freak the fuck ...

ST. LOUIS—In a recent address to the Class of 2020, Chancellor Martin somberly announced that Washington University has made the difficult decision to postpone commencement until the afterlife. “It is with a heavy heart that I share with you that due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a graduation ceremony will not ...