SHS Prepping for Housing Casualties

In advance of housing petitions opening, Student Health Services has hired some of the world’s top surgeons to mitigate the school’s annual rooming-inspired mass casualties. “Each year anywhere between fifty and one hundred underclassmen are killed by former suitemates,” claimed SHS director Ira Glass. “Although we can’t stop the coordinated ...

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Jerry Sandusky Named Top Athletic Director Candidate

Reports recently surfaced that former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky is one of the top choices in Washington University’s search for a new athletic director. The announcement comes in the wake of the departure of Justin X. Carroll, who was indicted on federal child pornography charges in January. In ...

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